Let's just keep pretending

Would it have made a difference if I died when I was 17?

Everyday we hope that our lives have meaning. We hope it matters that we are here and doing what we do. I look back on all these years and wonder- Did it matter? Did anything really need to happen? The only thing I can think of is my pets. Not sure where they'd be. Maybe dead. I value their lives. I know they need me.

I have barely blogged in years and this is all that was stored up. One paragraph. I'm becoming more useless and less interesting each day. Just swipe, fuck, refresh and repeat. 

Don't worry, they'll be fine.

They were better off when you left their band.

They were better off when you moved away.

They were better off when you broke up.

It doesn't matter. Our lives don't matter.

& deep down everyone knows it.

This Is The Goal

What do you do when nothing works out right?

Or when plans consistently fall apart?

How am I supposed to stay positive when the only things that happen are negative?

"...about fifty years left of just waiting around"

Am I just killing time?

Is there anything else?

Anything I'm supposed to do?

Anything I have to do?

Should I do what I'm socially obligated to do?

Or should I do what I want?

But what I want doesn't work out. I get tired of it all. To be on a stage is to need attention. To need attention is to be immature. Childish. It's pathetic, really. Sometimes I think music has hindered my maturity and fucked up my view of how things are supposed to be. Then again, I turned to music because I didn't want what everyone else wants. I don't want to wait around to die. I don't know if I want to reproduce. I shouldn't have to. Scientifically speaking, some say the only point of our existence is to recreate, but that's just an endless and redundant cycle. I would only want to reproduce with the right person. The one who has positive traits to offset my negative ones.

What if I miss out on finding that person?

What if I already found them, but fucked it up?

Should I spend the rest of my dating life comparing every girl to someone they could never be?

Being sincere doesn't work out.

Being insincere doesn't work out.

Disingenuity and complacency define our lives. Being okay with everything. Analyzing nothing. No self-evaluation. No thoughts outside of our societal norms. Acceptance of a life without meaning in a world that lies in seclusion in a cold and empty part of the galaxy.

Or something.

Who knows.

"It's not good for man to be alone"

This is a lonely life we lead. Putting on a face at work, putting on a face for this group of friends, one for that group of friends, and one for your family. What does that make you? An actor. How often are we really truthful? Do we ever really say what we mean? We're entertaining each other.

We're entertaining each other for attention...and like I've said, that's pathetic.

We place value on items that do nothing for us.

Anytime I've pursued what I want, it's never made me happy. Music didn't make me happy. School didn't. Sports wouldn't. Comedy wouldn't. The fucking post office sure as hell won't.

Maybe we should care less about what we want, and more about what we need.

Robin Williams had everything he wanted, but was that enough? There was something he needed that he didn't have. I'm sure it wasn't another house, a child, another movie, comedy or more fame. It was something that had no cost. No financial value.

Companionship- a feeling of fellowship or friendship

Synonyms: friendship, closeness, togetherness, intimacy, rapport, comaraderie

What else do we need?

Finding it is one thing, obtaining it is another.

Maybe We Get Too Used To Being Alive (The Passing Of Joan Rivers)

(Deviating from the normal posts.. Stay with me.... or not. Don't be a bunch of sheep. Make your own choices!)



I hate how we only show care for people after they're gone.

We only love when we have lost.

Yet here I am. So unappreciative.

Joan Rivers understood that there should be no boundaries in comedy. Nothing is off-limits. Not even yourself. Even at 81, she wasn't a nostalgia act. Still legitimate, and as funny as ever. Extremely impressive. Most people lose it at some point. The others slowly fade. Not her.

What happened when she passed? What did we do when Robin Williams died?
We started caring. Suddenly everyone loved Robin Williams.

Did we before? Maybe.

Did we show it? No.

You couldn't log on to Twitter, or Facebook without hearing about these deaths. You couldn't watch CNN, Fox News, MSNBC or any nightly/morning news. Even they seemed to throw their political agendas aside to show love for Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.

I think it's safe to say that the public has never shown this much love for either one of them.

Why do we feel so much when people are gone? Maybe we get too used to being alive. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, everyone will still be here. That's not guaranteed, but very likely.

We don't care about anything until it's gone.

Example: I don't really care about my car much anymore. I'm thankful for it (and the deal I got on it) but most days I'm just reminded that I want a new one. What if I wake up tomorrow and my car doesn't work? I'll be willing to do anything to make it run.

Talk to any athlete or musician when they're past their prime. They'll talk about how it was the greatest time of their lives. But are we appreciative in the moment?

The moment has passed and we have to live with having taken it for granted.

What will they do with you when you die? They'll love you more than when you were around. Clearly, this is how we are wired. Wish it were different.

I sincerely hope they don't donate Joan's body to Tupperware, but damn it'd be hilarious if they did.
And she would agree.

Being Young is Getting Old

"The future freaks me out"

Q: Where did I think I would be at 25?
A: I figured I'd be on tour bus.
-------------------------------------------------------

Everything in entertainment is so situational. Very temperamental.

Sometimes I look at professional athletes and wonder why it wasn't me. Why couldn't I be that guy? Why do they get to have that talent? When I look more into it, I realize: maybe I should be glad it wasn't me.

They have money, fame, adoration, joy, popularity and more. Who doesn't want that? These people have everything.

A lot of that applies to musicians too. People PAY to see you!

The lights go out. The crowd roars. Slowly, an entire band makes it's way to the stage. You can't really see them yet, but you know they are there. So much anticipation, adrenaline and excitement.  Whether it's 50 people or 5,000. They all want to see YOU do your job. Not many people get that kind of treatment. I don't know of a better high. I haven't tried heroin, but I can at least say that this one won't necessarily put you in rehab. Well.. if I want to actually know what I'm talking about, maybe I should go shoot up real quick......

Uh. Anyways...

What happens when it's all over?

You go from having people want your attention night after night to sitting at a desk and starting at a computer for $12 an hour.

You lose a ton of money because very very few musicians make any. Without getting extremely into the details, record labels usually act as a loan shark more than anything. Post-2000 bands don't make enough money to pay off those loans. One album on a major label can give a band thousands and thousands of dollars in debt. The Starting Line said that they're album Based on a True Story (2005) cost between $300-400,000 (recording, producer [whom they kindof didn't pick] pressing, promotion, music videos, etc, etc, etc). I'm sure labels have adjusted their structures by now. Also more bands are going the independent route and making their own choices which greatly reduces costs. Looking into how it all really works though will give you a serious headache.
So many people in the industry did not know what they were doing with the bands I loved. They'd get signed to a label and the label would get bought out (MCA, Virgin, etc.). Everyone who brought the band to the label gets fired. They get a producer they don't like. They're told to sound like this band or that band and to "write singles!".

"All of a sudden, your music is a product. Your fans are consumers." - Kenny Vasoli (The Starting Line)

In music and in professional sports, you're likely burnt out at 30.

What are you supposed to do then?

"Yeah, I used to be important. I used to be loved by hoards of adoring fans, now I uhh.... sell insurance"

How do you handle that?

I couldn't handle the idea that I wouldn't get to fulfill a dream. Even worse, I couldn't handle the idea that my dreams were meaningless. What's it all for? Frivolous. Superficial. It's all for a moment that was never meant to last.

I don't know if I can follow that line. I keep reading it over and over. What is meant to last? What's permanent? Nothing is, right?

I want a plan. I want goals. Real life goals. I don't want a temporary high. I've enjoyed being young, being free and never wearing pants in my apartment (rules are rules).
Aside from hardcore drugs, and losing all of my money, there isn't much else for me to do as a young person.

I need stability. I need a family.

AHH! DELETE DELETE!!!

My response to having anybody settling down, having a wife and kids has often times been "fuck that noise", which in that moment, I sincerely meant. Now, it's just not true.

It's the only thing I won't lose. I don't believe that family should be an obligation. I don't want it to be an accident. Or a mistake (like this dude). We are all wired to create. To love and be loved. What more could you ask for?

(^^Really lame)

In the past, I've enjoyed the unknown that is my future.

At 25 though? I don't think so.



P.S. Look up the music stuff. This is one of my favorites on the financial topic. It's from a member of an old band called Too Much Joy. Mind you, this was in the 80's and I never would've heard of this band without this blog.
http://steveleeds.wordpress.com/2009/12/02/too-much-joy-my-hilarious-warner-bros-royalty-statement/

P.P.S. I think I use too many commas.

Online Dating is Fucked

It's hard to meet people.

Theoretically, it should be easy. Just go up to someone and say "Hey, I'm Clint. We should communicate textually and see where it goes". But obviously, that's weird. Also, textually isn't a word.

Meeting new people - particularly females - is not an easy task. Nobody new ever comes around, bars are usually too loud, and decent looking girls usually have a plethora of options anyway.

-There lies the problem (foreshadowing.. probably not supposed to point that out though)

I date online. There. I said it. I don't talk about it much. I mostly discuss it with one person (you know who you are) and vaguely with a couple others (you also know who you are, but probably won't read this). I've dated online for quite some time now. Off and on though. It's very tiresome.

I have read articles where guys have made fake accounts on Plenty of Fish of a good looking girl and a good looking guy. In one day, the guy had a few messages. The girl had close to 100.
I have no real statistics to prove it, but I'm 90% sure the ratio of guys to girls on dating sites is at least 8:1.

Eight guys for every one girl.

Already, the odds are against me. Most importantly, the odds are in favor of the girls.

Or are they? (more foreshadowing..)

Here's one recent scenario: A girl messages me. An attractive one. Not extremely common considering the ratio above. She points out a show that we both like and we seem to hit it off right away. Had my kind of personality, and everything about this is rare for online dating. Lots of going back and forth, lots of seemingly good vibes personally and personality wise. After a concert and a few good hangouts, I propose the idea of a pretty big date. Pulled out all the stops. In the end, somehow, I had a sinking feeling that my intentions were being reciprocated. Meaning, she didn't seem extremely attracted to me. Just kindof.. along for the ride (So to speak - AYO!). Wasn't really investing herself into getting to know this guy.

Why should she?

1. I have flaws both glaring and buried miles below the surface.
2. There are plenty of other guys hitting her up. Just has to check her phone or log into any dating app.

Exactly. There is no need to put any effort into the option in front of you if there are so many others at your disposal. Some of them probably have nice cars, some of them probably have money. As a brilliant philosopher once put it: "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money". Of course, there are girls who will be smart enough to see that isn't everything, so they don't go for the flashy type. Yet, they won't go for the good/goofy guy who's full of semi-nervous energy.

You can't be nervous if you have nothing to worry about.
And you have nothing to worry about if you have other options to fall back on.
And you won't apply any effort when your head, heart and whatever else are occupied.
And if you don't put in the effort, you won't reap the reward.
Good things don't magically happen. They require care.

(By the way, this has been a more drawn out - and heart-wrenching - version of 90% of my online interactions. This scenario, in a way, has been every scenario. Merely an example.)

Find one option that you like, and try it. If you've given it a real shot and it doesn't work, then look for something else.

This won't happen though, because most people don't know what they want.

So they'll go through the motions and then decide that it all just didn't work.

Nothing is gained. Nothing is won.

Online dating, is indeed fucked.

P.S. Part of me needs to point out that I know I shouldn't start sentences with "and". Doing it that way was just the manner in which I wanted to express my point.

P.P.S. This doesn't mean I will give up. Somehow, there is still optimism inside Clint.

P.P.P.S. Yes, I referred to the singer of Good Charlotte as a brilliant philosopher. Satire is alive and well, folks.

Every Night's Another Story

"Was it fate that brought us here?
Or my mistakes I've made in fear?
Is it too late to change my mind?
Who have I been?"

Are we making mistakes?
Or is everything supposed to happen?
If the second answer is yes, then self-improvement is fiction.
Evolution is fiction.
Progress is fiction.
Religion is a lie.
Our lives are meaningless.

Okay... too far?

"Well... karma has a way of working itself out."

Oh, so some of us are meant for luxury.
Some of us are meant to eat shit.

"I don't think that's the point.."

What is the point then?

"Ugh... I can't even talk to you."

Obviously, this wasn't a real conversation, but what happens if I start to believe these things?
What if someone really does think all of the above is true? How can you live like that? Especially if life doesn't exactly go the way you want it to.

"It's funny how things work out.
The ones we need don't know we're there"

Think about someone you don't like.
Now think about them being dead.
They aren't so terrible now, are they?

It's strange how much we hold back, yet when somebody doesn't hold back, it's weird as hell.
Holding back is part of what ruined my last two relationships, but not holding back led to a terrible one before that.
I wasn't the person I needed to be.

Is the bad supposed to make the good seem better?
If that's the case, I have a lot of good coming to me.
That is, unless some bad shit is supposed to happen first.

"I try the same losing lucky numbers
It could be a cold night for a lifetime
Hey now,
You can't keep saying endlessly,
My darling,
How long until this affects me?

Say hello to good times
Trade up for the fast ride
We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets
Completely."